strangely · beautiful · freakish · wonderful

She was trying again.

It felt as if she would always fail at this flying thing, she felt helpless and stupid standing up there with people watching her and Forrest waiting on the other side. But Hugo was getting fed up, he wanted an act and she was failing at giving him one. She knew she had to figure this out.

She took a deep breath and steadied herself. She could see Forrest watching, and focused on his eyes, on the thought of his scent. She beat her wings and tried to get a rhythm steady.

When she opened them she took a leap, and felt her heart catch in her throat. The feeling was incredible, as if she was a cloud. As if she had no worries, as if she had swallowed a bottle of champagne and fizzies were spinning in her head. She swooped over to Forrest and got so excited she half crashed into the stand. He grabbed onto her, and she held on tight.

"Did I just..?" She was breathless.

"Yes!" Forrest said, he looked so proud.

Down in the stands the dwarves and Izzy cheered.


*

"But I was shakey, it wasn't exactly a perfect performance." Sasha said over tea. Forrest smiled,

"But you flew, Dove! That's the first step. You should have seen yourself. You really did look like an angel."

He leaned over and stroked her wings, and she trembled slightly at his touch.

"I'm nervous." She said, "about the crowds, about flying, about..everything."

"Of course you are, but you'll be fine. I believe in you. We believe in you."

Forrest sat down and took her hand in his and kissed it gently. Sasha trembled, and wet her lips. He looked at her hand, and set it in her lap.

"I..I better get back to practice."

And Forrest hurried out the door.

It was just a kiss on her hand but Sasha felt as if he had kissed her everywhere. She closed her eyes and sighed softly.

"He's always getting close and then running away from me," Sasha told Izzy later over tea and crumpets.

"He's always been that way I think, though I'm not sure why. Awful friendly, just..Mysterious." Izzy bit gently into a crumpet.

Sasha starred at her tea cup.

"So it isn't me?" She said softly. Izzy shook her feather covered head.

"Oh goodness no darling! If anything he seems drawn to you."

"Then why is he running away at the same time?" Sasha whispered, when Izzy went to get something out of the oven.

The next city was much larger than her hometown. They even had larger space for all their vehicles and things for setting up. Sasha longed to explore it but was also afraid to go out in it.

"It's better to just stay here, love. "Izzy said, buttering some of Helen's bread and offering it to her.

"I'll take you out, we can hide your wings under your coat or something. We don't even have to hide them, I doubt people would think they were real outside here." Forrest said, "expensive wings, we could attach straps under them so they looked fake."

Sasha didn't want to hide, Izzy was a bit reluctant, but she finally agreed to sewing some straps into a shirt for her.

"We can go out to a real restaraunt," Forrest said, petting Aliwishus' rump, "Now, have a bath and relax, I should go back and help with moving things and setting up."

She soaked in the tub for ages, splashing in the water and thinking about Lola. Lola was beautiful, she reminded Sasha of a siren, drowning men and seducing them, at the same time. Lola frightened and amazed her.

She heard the door open and thought it was Forrest, but the footing sounded lighter, and she was horrified when the door swung open and she saw Lola standing there in front of her, with a sly look on her face. She was dressed in a gauzy silver dress. She sashayed over to the tub and smirked.

"Just as I thought," She said, "A body of a child, how sweet."

Sasha could feel Lola's eyes on her small breasts and she leaped out of the tub, wrapping a towel around herself. Bits of feathers floated in the water.

"Forrest must love having you around, like a kid sister." She was really enjoying tormenting her.

Sasha didn't want to be alone in the room with her. She hurried into the main room and slipped her robe on.

"I'm tired," She said, hoping that would make Lola go away.

"You know," Lola said, slipping onto the couch and looking up at the ceiling, "I could have him again anytime I wanted, anyday, any moment. Sasha looked away.

"Then why don't you?" Sasha clenched her fists. She didn't mean to, it just happened.

"Because that isn't true." Said Forrest opening the door, "And I would appreciate if you didn't just saunter around like a sly fox all the time, she's trying to rest." Forrest shooed Lola to the door.

"You know you want me, everyone does." Lola touched Forrest's neck, and he shivered.

"Goodnight, Lola." He said, shutting the door on her.

"I'm sorry, I hope she wasn't too mean." Forrest apologized as if it were his fault.

"She said I looked like a child." She starred at her knees peeking out from under the robe.

"She's envious of your beauty." He said, petting her wet hair. He was so close she could smell his breath, peppermint, and some sort of alcohol.

"Did you drink?" She asked, amused.

"Just a bit, with Pete." Pete, one of the dwarves, loved alcohol, "Came to get you, having a bit of a party in his caravan, get dressed, lovely, and meet me there."

He touched her neck like Lola had done, and she closed her eyes. He slipped off through the front door. She opened them, and sighed.

She pulled on a black top with little sequins on it that Izzy had made to fit over her wings. She was starting to get used to tugging them out of the holes. She pulled on a cream colored skirt which went down to her ankles, and didn't put shoes on. She liked the way the ground felt under her bare feet, sometimes.

She filled the cat's bowl and slipped out into the dark, hopping slightly to avoid too much gravel under her toes.
When she got to Pete's caravan she could hear laughter and music, and gently opened the door.

Izzy was dancing with Pete, and Forrest was filling a champagne glass with what looked like wine. He saw her and waved her over. She shyly came inside.

"It's the angel!" Pete cried, happily, he seemed more than drunk, and swaggered back and forth. Izzy had to hold onto his shoulders so he wouldn't fall over. Sasha bent down so he could kiss her cheek, his beard scratched her skin.

Forrest offered her some wine, and she sipped it slowly. She had never drank before, but figured this was allright, she was among friends, and she doubted Lola was here, she didn't seem highly social anyway, unless the party was all about her.

Forrest tipped the glass back and swallowed the dark colored wine. His eyes looked like they were dancing. The wine was sweet yet felt strange going down, it warmed her up inside. As she drank more, her head started to spin. She sat down on a rather old looking lazyboy and watched Izzy and Pete danciong. One of the dwarves was smoking a cigar, filling the caravan with the sweet smokey smell.

The room slightly spun, and Sasha felt good, and warm, and slightly tipsy. She supposed this was what being tipsy was like. Forrest refilled her glass and started dancing around Izzy and Pete, rocking his hips, his hair getting in his eyes. Sasha was glued to watching him.

"Ask Sasha to dance!" Izzy beamed, and Sasha turned crimson.

Forrest danced over to her and bowed, "M'lady?" He asked, and she giggled.

He took a hold of her hand and pulled her up, she wobbled a bit before finding her feet, and she started swaying back and forth, taking sips of wine, moving to the beat. Forrest danced close to her, she could smell his scent, feel his hips against her when they moved. She felt dizzy and full of stars. She felt everyone's eyes on them, she didn't care. She drank the rest of the wine, and moved to put her arms arund him but toppled into him instead.

"Woah! Careful, tipsy Dove angel lovely thing!" Forrest laughed, and put his arm around her, led her back to the chair. He sat on the arm rest as she sank into the cushion, and he played with her hair.

She closed her eyes and felt everything spin, when she opened them, she felt Forrest picking her up.

"There we go, you slept for quite a time, just going to take you to bed now." He cooed.

She closed her eyes again, and wrapped her arms arond his neck. He gently carried her out and into the night, towards their caravan.

"Silly drunk girl." He whispered.

"You were tooooo.." She said, she still felt tipsy, the words seemed to slosh around in her mouth.

He carried her inside and up the ladder. She was amazed at how he could do that, even though she knew he was so good at it, it just seemed extra special, that night.

He laid her down in the bed and covered her up. She reached for him.

"Don't go." She begged. He laid down next to her, on top of the covers, and held her hand.

"Thank you," She said, the words feeling heavy, as she fell asleep.

The circus was going to it's next city, and everyone was packing things up and getting ready to leave the next morning at dawn. Sasha was told she had to follow in her car, everyone else was piling into the circus vans, or caravans and driving those.

"Hugo's driving ours," Forrest said, he was helping the crew take down some of the lighting equipment. Sasha watched him bend over, she could see the muscles in his back flex, he was shirtless. Sweat was dripping down his skin.

"You can ride with me," Sasha suggested. Forrest turned around and looked strange for a moment, and Sasha felt unvomfortable.

Then he smiled and that strangeness melted away.

"Sure that would be okay," He said.

One of the sound technicians was eyeing her, as usual. She wasn't sure if it was because he thought she was a freak or beautiful. She decided on the former.

"Beautiful freak," She whispered to herself. Forrest looked at her.

"What was that?" He asked, she shook her head.

"Uhm..I was just wondering why you don't have a car. Is all." She said. She bit the side of her lip.

"Oh, well I sold it ages ago, we use the circus vans if we want to go anywhere, the store, stuff like that. The logo on the side sometimes gets me discounts." He winked at her.

"Do you ever get tired of living here?" She said, then wished she hadn't.

"Sure, I mean, I could stay in a hotel like Hugo does, I suppose. Sometimes I do, when I can't take this sometimes, I mean, it's nice to just sleep in a real bed or swim in a hotel pool. But ever since you got here, well, I've-" He stopped himself.

"I'm sorry." She said.

"No! I didn't mean it like that, it's just, Izzy and I want to take care of you."

Like a child, thought Sasha to herself, she frowned, That's all I am to him. A winged freak child.

"I'm going to feed Aliwishus" She said suddenly, and walked back to the caravan.

She fed him some real cat food Forrest had got the night before. Aliwishus seemed suspicious of it, preferring raw shrimp on rice, or tuna from the can.

"Act like a cat," She said to the fluff ball starring up at her, but he rubbed against her leg and she melted, scratched his ear.

That night she dreamt of eating stars in a cereal bowl, and she was spooning some to Forrest, who was smiling.

*

Sasha was getting used to waking early now, and she was glad they were getting away from her city. It actually felt like she was breaking away, for real this time.

She felt bad about her father though, thought about writing him a letter, a postcard, maybe.

"Give it time, dove." Forrest said, pushing Aliwishus gently into the backseat of her car. He glared at him a bit but got settled by a cushion and gave himself a bath, "You have to let yourself feel a bit of freedom, as well. You'll know when it's the right time to write him."

Sasha always felt like he said the perfect things for the moment. She got in the car and Forrest shoved a cooler and a backpack onto the floor by the passenger seat, and climbed in.

"We're going to follow Bert," Forrest said, pointing to the tiny red sportscar.

Burt was Hugo's boss, and a rather dumpy, short guy with little hair. He didn't say much, mostly grunted. They waited in silence for him to start up. Sasha watched as some of the caravans took off, followed by Hugo's black corvette, the circus vans (which were black as well) and then Bert started his car.

"Right," said Forrest. Sasha started the car and followed.

They listened to tapes Sasha had on the highway. Led Zeppelin, Aerosmith, The Beatles, Joni Mitchell, Janis Joplin. Forrest liked Janis the best, and wailed along to it, making Sasha giggle. She never wanted the drive to end. They snacked on wasabi peas, japanese crackers, banana chips, and drank ice water until it was time to stop for a lunch break.

Everyone pulled into a rest stop and set up picnic style lunches on the tables. All the important boss people were eating baked chickens they got from a grocery store deli, and looking at it made Sasha think of Izzy.

"I can't stand the smell," Sasha said as they carried their cooler lunch and drinks near Izzy and Helen, and a bunch of the dwarves.

They ate tuna sandwiches with gouda cheese, ripe avocados, cold salads with feta and tomato, and Sasha drank peach juice. She felt strangely happy, listening to everyone around her gossip. She caught a wink from Forest once during the meal.

"Where's Lola at?" Asked Sasha.

"Probably in her tank." Forrest said, "Her caravan is the best of anyone's, because it has to be safe enough so the water doesn't spill out, or anything, while they drive."

"She probably drowned the driver and ate him for lunch," Said Izzy.

"That isn't funny, Izz." Forrest said, but everyone laughed, including him.

They drove on until it got dark enough that the stars were coming out, and Forrest said that soon they would probably pul over for the night, so everyone could sleep.

"We'll have to sleep here for the night, the driver of the caravan will be in ours." Forrest said.

Sasha said she didn't mind, and was eager to stop driving. She felt dizzy, tired of driving all day.

Everyone pulled into a rest stop, and Sasha pulled over, safe distance away from all the parked cars and vans and things. Forrest got out and pulled out a large feather comforter, the one Sasha used in his bed, and covered them with it. They put their seats back and she turned the car off.

She could hear Aliwishus snoring in the back.

"Sasha?" Forrest whispered.

"Mm?"

She felt his hand touch her arm, and she felt a hot warmth inside of her light up, like little fireflies awakening.

"You're just beautiful. I wanted you to know." He said softly.

She didn't know what to say. She wished he would kiss her, but he just lay there, stroking her arm. She closed her eyes.

"I had a dream about you last night." She said.

He stopped touching her arm suddenly.

"What happened?" He sounded suddenly nerve wrecked, slightly alarmed.

"Nothing bad, really, I was feeding you stars.."

Forrest relaxed and touched her fingers.

"Oh, allright." She could tell he was smiling in the dark.

She opened her hand to hold his, but he pulled away, and turned towards the door. She sighed.

"Goodnight," She whispered, she was tired, after all.

"Goodnight, Dove." He mumbled, half asleep.

"Feeding me stars.." He said softly, "You are the stars."

Sasha wasn't sure if he had meant to say that aloud.

"She's a doll, isn't she?" Izzy asked Forrest. They were in Izzy's caravan and Helen, the incredibly strong woman, was making bread.

The smell of it made Forrest hungry and his stomach growled.

"Yes," He said softly, he was pretending to read the newspaper, but he couldn't focus on it.

"You clearly have a thing for her." Izzy prodded. She loved teasing.

"Everyone and their mother has a thing for her," Barked Helen, beating up the dough, just a bit too hard.

"Except Lola," Forrest remarked, Izzy scoffed.

"Lola is a demon, I swear. That girl is like from another planet." Izzy snarled.

"We all are, except Forrest, Mister Normal." Helen said, smirking.

Forrest stood up and started pacing. He felt strange.

"I'm not normal." He muttered.

"Then I suppose you have some hidden talent you have been hiding from us all this time?" Asked Helen, who was pounding the dough so hard flour was getting into her afro and all over her molasses colored skin.

Forrest pulled a face and walked out of the door, letting it shut on them.

Izzy starred at it, as if expecting him to come back in, or start speaking, or sprouting wings.

"What was that about?" Izzy asked.


"No clue, sugar." Helen said, placing the sticky dough in a bowl to rise. She covered it with a towel and washed her hands under the running sink.

"It's not as if he has anything to hide.." Izzy added, but she wondered, sometimes.

Ever since Forrest was tiny, he felt a strange connection to the circus. His parents always took him and he loved watching the people perform. He didn't see it the way he did now, but to him then it was magic and sparkles, and turned his world into a fairy tale for the night.

His favorite act was the tightrope walker and the flying trapese. They seemed to be maniuplating the laws of gravity, daring it to make them fall, teasing it. They were graceful and amazing. Everytime they were high above him he would sit on the edge of his chair, his blue eyes huge, biting his finger nails.

He covered his walls in his room with circus posters, and pretended he was a tightrope walker. He broke his arm from walking across the monkey bars at the playground. When he was 11 he decided he wanted to learn gymnastics. He was so flexible and a natural at it, especially the balance beam, and he often outshone the other gymnastic kids, who were all girls.

He practiced all the time, he didn't have much time for friends, his parents were a bit worried.

Then in high school, he met Laura.

Laura was small and had very frizzy hair, braces, and dimples when she smiled. She came up to his shoulders, as he was rather tall, and he liked her right away. She convinced him to try out for cheerleading, and he made it immedietly. He was teased all the time, everyone thought he was gay. He often got beat up after school when he was trying to walk home.

"Faggot!" They'd yell, smashing his mouth, his eyes, throwing him into the dirt.

Laura always cleaned his wounds for him. She was his best friend.

"They just don't understand your talent," She said, "You are amazing."

And indeed he was. He would climb up on his house roof and walk across it with perfect ease. He never broke bones anymore, he sometimes fell off the balance beam, but it seemed the higher up he was, the easier it got.

"I want to join the circus," Forrest told Laura one day after classes.

Laura just smiled. She wanted to be an astronaut.

The closer Laura got to him, the better he felt, until one day that changed everything.
He discovered what he and no one else had known about him, what happened when he got close to someone.
Someone dear.

He never told her what it was, but it frightened him. He stopped calling her, he focused more on his practicing, he took a college class he found on tightrope walking, he became better and better at his talent. He knew he broke Laura's heart, but there wasn't anything else he was willing to do about that. He wasn't going to let her learn his secrets. He wasn't going to let anyone in that much, ever again.

Sasha tried to be a help but she felt like a nuisance. She tried carrying props but just put them in the wrong places, dropped several things, and got sworn at by a dwarf. By the end of the day she was shaking from too many cups of coffee, little food, and from being yelled at by many people, including Lola, who by the end of it emerged from her nap of water aand followed her around telling her all the things she thought was wrong with her.

"I really think Izzy could have piocked some better colors for you, darling, I mean that white dress just makes you look washed out. Come to think of it, I'm not too sure what color would look good on. Poor thing, lucky me, I was blessed with tinted skin, and look great in silver, and orange, and oh goodness me, so Many other colors! And you really ought to see Mandarine, oh she's the makeup artist for most of us, and she could really give you a makeover, maybe make you look not so Mousy."

Sasha was livid but tried not to show it, she was carrying a chair into the ring and Lola was sneakily following her like some slippery eel. As Sasha bent down to place the chair on the ground, Lola saw the necklace.

"That's new." Lola said, curious about it. She had an amazing, almost freakily accurate memory, and attention to details were one of her specialties (manners, obviously, were not).

"Forrest gave it to me." Sasha suddenly felt wicked, and grinned at her.

Lola looked suddenly pale.

"Oh is that how it is, he goes for Mousy looking bleached skin half birds that can't fly."

Sasha flinched, and said nothing, walking away. This time, Lola didn't try to make her melt and be sweet, and she stopped following her.

"like an eel that thing is," Hissed Izzy. It was twenty minutes before the show and Sasha was telling her about her terrible experience.

"You aren't Mousy, and she's jealous Forrest is fascinated with you." Izzy said making Sasha blush.

"He's just kind is all," Sasha said, but she smiled.

"Mmhmm, just keep telling yourself that, dove." Izzy patted the girl's head, "I better get in place." Izzy sighed and kissed Sasha on the cheek, then wandered off.

Sasha looked and saw many people filling up the stands. The smells of popcorn and cotton candy were everywhere, mixed with animals, hay and makeup. She could hear a lion growling somewhere in a cage. All the people made her feel high, dizzy.

She watched the whole time, the dwarves and clowns made everyone laugh. The dwarfs reminded Sasha of snow white and the seven dwarves, they had rosey cheeks and thick bears, and did somersaults and jumped on tramplines.

She had to look away when they dragged the namils out, they didn't look happy, and the ringmaster whipped at them and made them perform. She starred at her feet. Their sounds made her shudder.

She felt a hand on her shoulder, and looked up. Forrest was petting her softly.

"It's allright, why don't you go back and rest?"

"I don't want to miss you performing." Sasha said into his hair so he could hear her over the crowds cheering, and the elephants stomping.

She thought she saw Forrest turn slightly red at that. She grinned.

Sasha's dreams were filled of trying to fly and realizing she no longer had her wings. In the dreams, Lola was always pointing at her and laughing, holding onto Forrest by the wrist, kissing his neck.

She woke up with tears in her eyes, Aliwishus was mewing down below.

She climbed down and covered herself with her robe, it was still dark, not yet dawn, and she felt strange inside. Forrest was curled up on the couch, his mouth half open, eyelashes fluttering. She crept by trying not to wake him, but she heard him stir.

"Can't sleep, Dove?" He murmured.

She shook her head and sat down on the floor. Aliwishus pranced over happily and climbed onto her lap.

Forrest leaned over and pet her wings gently.

"It'll be allright, you look like you were meant to fly." He said softly. His hand felt so gentle and nice against her wings. She closed her eyes.

"But meaning to do something and actually accomplishing it are two different things." Sasha said sadly.

"True, but I believe in you. Believe in yourself, too."

He made them omelettes with tomato and mushrooms and gouda cheese, and opened a can of tuna for the cat. He brewed coffee and turned on his little radio, playing oldies which made Sasha giggle.

"It's the only thing that seems to pick up around here." He said, smiling at her.

They had a show tonight, but Sasha was just going to watch backstage, try to get the feel of things. She felt excited, everyone would soon be hurrying around, setting things up, practicing. She loved watching Forrest walk on the tightrope, he looked like he could just step off of the wire, and float away.

"We used to have an act together, Lola and I." Forrest said, while swallowing his eggs, "Ages ago, I would be on the trapese, and swing down with her and she'd dive into a big pool of water. It was quite a hit, but she refuses to do it anymore, she likes just being on her own."

"What does she do?" Sasha asked, picking at her plate with her fork and making a racket.

"She's on display on the side usually, or some cities have us in actual stages, and so she's in the hallway, in her tank, she sits under water, she shows off that she can just be under there, for hours. Some people stand and stare for ages, she says sometimes they try to get her to run away with them. Desperate men, into fetishes, things like that. She's been known to spit in their faces."

Sasha didn't say anything.

"She's crazy, Lola. She's fiesty, and wild. She isn't like you."

Tame, Sasha thought. I'm tame & boring, but when she looked up she saw he meant it as a compliment.

She smiled shyly.

The rain was pouring buckets and the wind howled. Sasha was dry inside the circus tent, but was feeling like a nervous wreck. She was currently standing up on the tightrope platform, if you could call it standing. Her knees were bent and her wings were shaking. Forrest was on the other platform, standing gracefully, as if they were really on the ground and not high up in the air.

"Don't be afraid!" He called out to her, "The net will catch you, I've fallen thousands of times when I was little."

Sasha couldn't stop trembling. She had just realized how to open her wings on her own, she had no idea what to do to make herself fly. She also didn't know if she could carry her weight, were they strong enough?

they certainly are big enough she thought to herself, opening her wings like a fan.

She stood up, her knees feeling like jello, and held onto the pole next to her, for balance. She glanced down and felt like she was going to pass out.

Sitting in the front row was Izzy, the incredibly strong woman, and some of the clowns who had taken a gentle fancy to her. They all called her dove girl.

Sasha breathed deeply, and could feel the moonstone cool against her neck.

She was wearing a pale leotard Izzy had made for her, that fit over her wings. It was difficult to get on, but atleast she wasn't having to prance about topless.

She flapped her wings a few times, and heard the wind growl outside, as if it were taunting her. She could imagine it telling her to do it, daring her, to defy reality, common sense. She was certaily doing a good job at it at this rate, anyway!

She swallowed her fear and took a leap into the air, and her wings moved furiously to keep her afloat, but her rhythm was all wrong. She didn't think about having to time it right, and she tumbled down into the net, landing on her back. She felt as if she had swallowed her insides.

She was glad her hair was covering her face to hide the embarrasment. She climbed out of the net and shakily found the ground with her bare feet.

"For a moment there, it almost looked like it could have worked, "Izzy said brightly, "I think you could do it! You just have to get that rhythm going there."

Sasha shrugged.

"Don't be so down about it," Said one of the clowns, though he looked like a normal person without his makeup on, "You looked quite lovely." His crooked teeth and double chins showed when he smiled. Sasha couldn't help but smile back.

"Thank you." She said, softly.

"Let's get you some tea, and a bath." Izzy said, patting the girl's wings gently.

To Sasha, nothing sounded more perfect.

"Have you met Lola?" Forrest asked, on Sasha's 18th birthday.

Lola was almost blue skinned, translucent, you could see her veins, she was like paper skinned, Sasha was a bit surprised she could walk around, she looked so fragile. Lola had dark green eyes, and long wispy golden hair, with a green tint to it.

Besides her strange tinted skin, Lola could breathe under water.

"I have to sleep in a tank," She beamed, ignoring Sasha's wings as if it was old news that a girl could look like an angel-dove and if you didn't have special gills hidden on you, then you weren't special.

"No one knows why, but I can only stay up here for an hour or two, if that. I'm extra special, I'm water. I'm like water."

She seemed especially attached to Forrest, she kept hanging on him, and glared when she heard Forrest was sharing his place with Sasha.

"Couldn't she be with Izzy? They both are birds." She smiled sweetly, but Forrest glared at her hard.

"She has it rough, Lola, leave it alone."

"She has it rough Lola, leave her alone!" Lola sassed, "As if I don't!"She took a deep breath, "Suppose you just don't have eyes for me anymore, just like the angelic ones." She winked at Sasha, who wished she could dig a hole right now and hide.

Forrest shrugged, "Come on," He said gently to Sasha.

"Oh, don't be like that. She has pretty wings," Lola said warmly, she was like a sugar coated candy, but Sasha wasn't sure what flavor was underneath all that sweetness. "I was just joking, you know that Forr, don't you? You have very pretty wings, Sasha. Dove girl. Air girl." Lola pet the wings, and Sasha felt herself melting. She wasn't even sure why.

"Thank you, water girl." Sasha smiled shyly, and then followed Forrest.

*

"She's so very strange." Forrest said later, while they were drinking tea and Aliwishus was rolling about with a ball of yarn.

"Were you two together once?" Sasha said softly, the minute she said it she turned crimson, and felt very strange.

Forrest sighed a bit, "Yes, she has this strange thing about her, but she's like those mermaids in the book Peter Pan, beautiful, but deadly. I wouldn't get too close."

Sasha nodded, she wasn't planning on getting too close.

"Oh!" Forrest said, making Sasha jump slightly, and he added, "Sorry," Sheepishly, and ran to the kitchen.

She heard him rummaging through things and brought out a messily made cake.

"I made it, in Izzy's Caravan so you wouldn't see it, while you were sleeping."

In icing he had written "Happy Birthday Dove-girl"

It made Sasha want to cry.

She blew out the candles. She wished that she could fly.


Forrest then took something out of his pocket, it was a small milky stone hanging from a silver chain.

"Moonstone," Forrest said smiling, "It represents calm, but most importantly, renewal. Something you need, I think. Something you are going through."

He pulled her hair back carefully and clasped it around her neck. She could feel his fingers against her neck and she felt like a fire was inside her.

"I don't know how to thank you." She said. Her eyes were wet, she really didn't know how to, either.

It wasn't that difficult to get Hugo to want to sign her over once he took a look at her, he tugged pretty hard on those wings, got way too close to Sasha's liking, so close she could smell the booze on his breath.

"Well then, when you turn 18, we'll sign you over." He had an eerie grin she wasn't too fond of, but she nodded her head. She didn't have to like everyone here, did she?

After she had been examined, Izzy fed her california rolls and edamame in Forrest's caravan while Aliwishus drank water from a tin mug that said the circus's name on it in bright rainbow lettering.

"I'm making you something," Izzy said, "To wear, I just have to get some measurements."

She had Sasha stand up and took a yellow measuring tape, wrapping it around her chest, under her wings, trying to be gentle, but after her mother and Hugo had been tugging on them, they ached something awful. Her eyes were wet when Izzy was done.

"Goodness, what's wrong?" Izzy asked, pressing her lips into a frown.

"They ache, people keep tugging on them.." Sasha said softly.

"Oh you poor thing, let me get you some medicine, and chamomile tea. I hope Hugo wasn't too much of an ass to you."

Sasha said nothing, she could still feel his eyes on her body.

When Izzy came back she had Forrest with him. She handed Sasha two pink pills and a glass of water, and Forrest sat down next to her. Aliwishus leaped up on cue, into his lap.

"Oof! Hello baby," He said to Aliwishus who licked at his hands. Sasha smiled, and swallowed the pills in one gulp.

Then he turned to Sasha and smoothed her hair out,

"So Hugo said he wants you in an act, they'll probably be training you. They might even want you to fly."

"Fly? How do they know if she can fly?" Izzy almost screeched.

"I'm not sure if I can," Sasha said shyly, looking at her frail hands.

"That's allright, we can try, we have a net for when I practice tight rope walking, when you feel up to it, we'll start with that. No worries now about that, just focus on the day."

Forrest smoothed her dark hair down and she closed her eyes. Izzy smiled lopsidedly,

"Now, about that tea?" She said. Sasha opened her eyes, and nodded.

Izzy gave Sasha silk pajamas, promising to sew her some sort of top that would fit her wings, sometime soon.

Sasha took her things and Forrest carried a no grumpy Aliwishus into his caravan. It was larger than Izzy's, even though Izzy shared it, and had white chrimas lights all over the walls.

"Gives it a cozy feeling," Forrest said, setting the cat down and letting him out,

"Up there is the loft where my bed is, and through the hall is the kitchen, and right down there to the left is the bathroom. I'll just be crashing here for tonight", he patted the couch.

"May I take a bath?" Sasha asked shyly.

"Of course, dove." Forrest smiled, handing her a towel.

She turned crimson.

*

The bath water felt so good against her skin and her bones. She slipped around humming to herself some Bach, for nearly an hour. She didn't dare touch his soap but she just needed the hot water, the steam, the relaxation of it anyway.

She pulled herself out and let the bath drain, pulled the silk pajama bottoms on which were too large, but tied in the front, and wandered into the main room.

Forrest was leaning over the counter buttering toast as she slipped by him. He turned to see her almost floating past, her wings wet and stuck to her skin. He couldn't stop starring at her backside, at the wings.

When he compossed himself he walked into the room with the tray of toast. Sasha was up in the loft bed, starring up at the ceiling. Aliwishus was curled up on the edge of the couch, clearly deciding this was his bed as well.

"Would you like some toast?" Forrest called up.

Sleepily Sasha shook her head, she was curled up on her side, overwhelmed. The blankets, the pillow, the whole place smelled of him. She felt high.

Forrest unplugged the lights and climbed the ladder up to Sasha, tucking her in like her father used to when she was very small. In the dark, Sasha could see his eyes like stars.

"You aren't a freak," He whispered, so close she could feel his breath, "You are beyond beautiful."

Sasha closed her eyes and sighed through her whole body. When she opened them he had climbed down the ladder, quietly, gracefully, used to climbing things with ease.

She played what he said over and over in her head, until she fell asleep.

"Poor darling," Izzy said after hearing Sasha's story, and serving up tea.

Forrest was sitting on a small cushy couch next to Sasha who was wrapped in a loose sheet. Aliwishus was on the floor by her feet eating raw tuna.

"It's a good thing I went and got you that sashimi for lunch, Izzy." Forrest nodded towards the cat and chuckled.

"And a good thing I didn't eat it all!" Izzy smiled, "I used to be afraid of cats, although they don't really bother me much, Not sure about a tiger or lion though. I always come back here when they bring those out."

Sasha saw that Forrest was starring at her and she hid her face in her hair and starred at Aliwishus.

"Thank you for being so kind to me. Do you really think I could work here?"

"Sure, if you are 18." Izzy said, placing the tea pot down on the coffee table.

"In two days," She said glumly.

"Listen, Sasha, this isn't the best place for you. For me it's just a job, I can go out in the real world, I could have a real life if I wanted to, but here it's like a cage, they treat most of you guys like dirt really. Because they know you have nowhere to go." Forrest frowned and touched Sasha's bare arm, she started trembling again.

"Nowhere is the best place for me." She said softly.

"Yes, Forrest, she can't go back home, where is she going to go, university for angels? Dove-people? Atleast we freaks are friendly, it's just the ringmaster and his bullies that are assholes and should die." Izzy scowled at her teacup, "But," She added, sighing, "I'm not into violence myself." She shuddered.

"They'll sign you over, they never had an angel before," Forrest gave Sasha a half smile, "Just have to wait two days, I'll talk to Hugo about it."

"Where should she stay? All the caravans are full for us freaks, just you and the regular crew have the free ones. All to yerselves, wish it was that way for me, sometimes." Izzy winked at Sasha.

"She can stay with me, sleep in my bed, I can sleep on the couch, and that silly cat can live there too." Forrest smiled at her.

Sasha smiled back, though she was frightened.

"I have a bath too, which you can use anytime you like" Forrest said.

"Make sure he leaves the caravan before he does that" Izzy grinned.

"Shut up, you!" Forrest threw a pillow at her, but she ducked, and it hit a shelf, making a book crash to the ground.

Sasha giggled, and Aliwishus licked his paws.

She was going to find the bird woman and ask her for help. She was, she told herself that, but she hadn't budged from the car. She sighed, buttoned her coat tightly and opened the car door. Aliwishus mewed from the back seat.

"I'll be back, Wish." Sasha sais softly.

She locked the door, looked around, and walked in the dark towards the tent. The show was almost over, she just had to wait. She could hear chearing and shouting, children crying, and smells of animal, sweat, cotton candy, and popcorn lingered out.

A security guard walked over to her.

"You need a ticket to go in, or you have to leave," She barked at Sasha.

"Uhm, I wanted to talk to one of the troupe members.."

"Sorry," But the security guard obviously couldn't careless. She marched inside the tent and a bunch of people started filling out and into where Sasha was standing.

Everyone ignored her but she ran off to the otherside of the tent, near a roped off area.

She stood very still for a while and breathed heavily. She couldn't stop trembling, her wings ached from where her mother had tugged on them, it felt like one was possibly sprained. She sighed, and watched her breath swirl around in the darkness.

"I wish I had a cigarette," She said to her toes.

"We have some," A soft voice called.

Sasha jumped, and turned to see the birdlady standing by the side entrance, Izzy looked around uneasily.

"You've been here a lt, what do you want from us?" Izzy was whispering, and Sasha leaned close.

"I thought..you might understand.." Sasha didn't dare pull her coat off in front of so many people, even if they were in the parking lots by now, but she pointed to her shoulder blades and frowned.

"Wait in your car, when everyone has left, I'll send Forrest after you. Just wait for him."

Sasha looked back where her car was.

"Forrest? Who's that?" Sasha turned but the birdwoman had already gone back inside.

Sasha shivered and ran to her, locking the doors shut and nuzzling Aliwishus who was in the passenger seat by now.

"I know, you are hungry. But we have to wait a bit, then I will find you some food." Sasha said rubbing under the cat's chin. He purred happily.

Sasha lay back in the car and closed her eyes. She fell into a half dream of her mother screaming at her, holding a gun, trying to shoot at her.

Sasha woke up gasping, and heard a knocking on her car door. She looked up to see the tightrope walker hunched over her car. She opened the door and got out.

"Sorry if I startled you," He said, smiling. Sasha blushed,

"It's allright." She didn't know what else to say.

"You wanted to talk to Izzy?" He asked, motioning to follow him as he started walking.

"Yes well, anyone here. I thought one of them might-"

He turned around suddenly,

"One of THEM? They are just like you or me. I won't tolerate you referring to them as if they are..are..freaks.." He shuddered, and even in the dark, his eyes flashed like a warning.

Sasha sighed and unbuttoned her coat, letting it fall to the ground. Her wings were so white they almost glowed. She was topless but at this moment she did not care. She needed help, and if this was the way to proove it then so be it. Her small breasts were milkywhite, she arched her shoulders a bit, and the wings silently shuddered.

"I'm a freak, too." She said, suddenly feeling as if she could cry. Almost cry, but no. Nothing came.

Without saying anything, Forrest took her coat off the ground and wrapped it around her. He smoothed her hair back, and took her hand.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know."

He took her to Izzy's caravan.

When Izzy was 5 she started noticing something was strange about her legs. They were thinner then the rest of the girls she knew, even though she had a plump little body. It made her walk strangely, kids would call her "stork" and laugh at her. She hid in large sweaters, and cried under her bed everynight.

"I don't want to eb a stork," She would tell her Aunt.

Her parents had mysteriously vanished when she was 2, leaving her with her Aunt in law, who didn't care very much for Isabelle, but felt she had an obligation to take care of her.

"You aren't a stork, now go to bed." Her aunt would state, glancing up from her knitting to watch the young girl go upstairs to her small bedroom in the attic.

There was something peculiar about the girl's legs though, her aunt pushed it out of her mind.

Until Izzy was 7 and started sprouting feathers from her head.

She'd pull them out and flush them down the toilet, and not tell anyone, until her Aunt found one tiny blue feather sticking out from her mousy brown hair at dinner one evening.

She dragged the tiny girl to every doctor she could find, none found anything wrong with her, besides the feathers poking out of her head, and now starting to come out of her behind. When she turned 16, Isabelle had a peacock fan, and gorgeous feathers electric blue rising from her head.

Her aunt saw it as fame and fortune, and wanted to sell her for money, she signed her up with the circus, a traveling one, well known for their elephant tricks and clowns and fame over the United States. Izzy saw it as torture. She had to go on stage and prance around and make bird noises, and then send all the money to her aunt. As soon as she turned 18 she stopped sending her aunt checks, and now ordered things she wanted through computers, or mail order catologues: Pearl necklaces, vintage dresses, a small TV set that played videos. She was treated terribly, but she got money, and she was safe.

As long as she stayed with the circus, she was safe.

Now Izzy was in her 30's, she had a long neck and brilliant eyes. She was used to the way she lived, hated the ringmaster who controlled everyone, hated even more his bosses, and loved all the side show people.

Izzy also loved the elephants. Huge and powerful, they often nodded their wrinkled heads at Izzy, sometimes even winked at her. She cringed everytime they were whipped or shouted at, as she understood how they felt. Perhaps that's why the elephants and Izzy loved eachother so much, they were both treated like they weren't worth much in this business. In this strange twisted circus world.

This is how her parents found out.

She was asleep on the floor naked, her wings draped about her bare shoulders and back. Mozart was playing softly on her old record player, the soft scratchy funeral songs soothing her in her strange dreams. Aliwishus was in a corner, eyeing the strange winged creature he always knew as his best friend, curious, but still adoring her. Piles of books were surrounding her, half open, almost breathing. She hadn't meant to fall asleep, but it had happened, her eyelids fluttered, her hair cascaded around her matted white feathers.

Her mother was fed up. She picked the lock, and threw the door open. She stood open mouthed for a few seconds, and then stomped over, waking up her gentle creature-daughter. Sasha stared at her mother, not saying a word.

"What is wrong with you! Gluing wings to your back! Not eating! I can't-"

Sasha's mother stopped, she had been tugging on the wings and Sasha was letting out cries of pain.

"They. Aren't. Glued." Sasha said through clenched teeth, "Let. Me. Alone."

Her mother screamed, and Sasha scrambled to her feet, pulled a robe over herseldf, as if ashamed. And she was, she didn't want to be, but she was.

Sasha's mother stopped screaming, and didn't say anything, but her angry eyes told all, freak They told Sasha, burning like mad flames.

Douglas had his wife sit in the easy chair. He brought her green tea with chamomile, while Sasha sat at the top of the stairs, trembling in her fuzzy robe.

"Now dear, this is strange, yes, but she is our daughter," Sasha could hear her father whispering, offering her mother a tray of buttered toast, and cold cheddar cheese slices.

Her mother's face looked violet. She slapped the tray, and it fell with a thud onto the carpet, the toast falling by her father's slipper covered feet, the cheese by her mother's plump toes.

"That..THING is no daughter of mine." She looked up at Sasha who was standing now, her arms wrapped tightly around her waist.

"Mother," She said softly, her voice cracking.

"No. Get out. Get out of here. Before I call the news and make money off of you, you dreadful thing."

Sasha didn't wait to hear what her father had to say. She ran to her room, put Aliwishus in his cat traveling case, and ignored his worried whines as she stuffed her suitcase full of books, some records, her elephant.

She didn't know what to wear, her clothes didn't fit her anymore if they went over her chest. She put on a velvet skirt, and wrapped herself in her father's coat. She wanted to cry, she knew she should be crying, but her insides felt empty, hollow, deserted.

She slipped on her boots, laced them tightly, grabbed her stuff, including her meowing Aliwishus in his case, and ran down the steps.

"Darling!" Her father was hollering, trying to hold her mother back who had strange madness in her eyes, as if she might tear Sasha apart if she got to her.

Sasha ignored her flesh and blood, and hurried out into the night, making sure to grab her car keys.

She let Aliwishus out once they got in the car, and he sat in the back near the window, mewing.

"Poor frightened thing," Sasha whispered, switching on the radio, and turning it up slowly.

She wasn't sure who she had said that to, her siamese cat, or herself.

The wings just kept growing.

Sasha wore her dad's coat to hide them, and was even labeled more of a freak now that she was more pale, and wearing a giant dark cloak. People spread rumors that she was insane, just look at her eyes! They would whisper as she walked through the halls looking straight ahead, never at anyone else. Her eyes glow.

She could no longer focus on her homework. She drew angel wings, and strange bird like people all over her papers, and handed them in, only to get upset teachers who wanted her to stay after class. She told them she wasn't feeling well, she told them her dad was sick, she told them lie after lie to get them off her back.

At night she took muscle relaxers and dreamt of faeries naked, surrounding her, of doves landing on her shoulders, of the tightrope walker singing her to sleep.

She woke up in a bed of feathers and sometimes forgot they were a part of her, that they belonged to her, but she had no idea why.

She was frightened of when they would get too large and she couldn't even hide them with the coat. Where could she go? She could run away, but to who, to where? People would lock her up, people would want to put her on display, on television. People would tug on her wings until it hurt.

She started having nightmares of people clawing her flesh, her eyes, yanking her feathers out, until she was wingless and bloody, naked in the dirt.

She didn't have anymore tears to shed. She was dry inside.

She started locking her door & refusing to answer it, even when her mother said she would call the police. She smoked cigarettes out of her open window and ate oreos, she drank from an old 7up can in the corner of her room. She gave up sleep, her eyes were strange planets. She curled up naked on the floor, her wings shielding her from the world.

"I've seen her almost every evening now, in that fragile car of hers, before and after the show. She never comes in." Izzy was talking to her reflection again, she preferred talking to herself usually, and was used to it, until she came here and met all the delicate wonderful freaks.

"I wonder what calls her to us." Said a deep voice, and she turned to see Forrest standing in her dressing room.

Izzy shared a small caravan with the incredibly strong woman, but she was out eating lunch at the moment with the dwarfs and the melancholy clown, so it had just been her.

"Perhaps it's our freakish nature," Izzy blurted out, but she knew it wasn't true. There was something in that girl's eyes, fear, but not of them. Izzy had taken to looking at the girl with binoculars, gold ones she bought ages ago with her circus job money.

"Maybe she wants something from us." Forrest said thoughtfully, combing tangles out of his thick hair.

"Perhaps.." Mused Izzy, "She could just come by, we don't bite."

"You might not, but I do." Boomed a large voice climbing into the caravan and making it rock from his heavy weight.

It was the ringmaster, Hugo, and his prescence made Izzy shiver. Forrest said nothing, but stood there like an ice block.

"Stop stalling and do something productive, or go eat." He ordered, and then he was gone, the caravan rocking like an after thought.

Forrest nodded sympathetically at Izzy and left her alone, to her reflection, and thoughts.

Izzy sighed. Some raw sashimi did sound good right about now, perhaps she could get one of the nice boys to fetch some for her, or Forrest, as she never went out in public anymore. Not since that one night. Izzy turned pale just thinking about it.

She smoothed her feathers over her head which were standing up from fright.

"It's over now, silly thing." She told her reflection in the mirror, "Freedom is out of the question."

Her reflection starred back glumly.

When the second feather appeared, Sasha hid it under her pillow, the third was much larger, and she couldn't pull it out. It seemed as if there was something growing out of her shoulder blade, besides feathers now, and there wasn't anything she could do about it. She spent many nights in pain, reading poetry by candle light and listening to Bach on low. She kept reading the same TS Eliot passage over and over until 4 in the morning.

A heap of broken images, where the sun beats,
And the dead tree gives no shelter, the cricket no relief,
And the dry stone no sound of water. Only
There is shadow under this red rock,
(Come in under the shadow of this red rock),
And I will show you something different from either
Your shadow at morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you;
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.


She crawled out of bed and flipped on her desk lamp, dropping her blanket to reveal what was unmistakingly downy feathers all over her back shoulder blades, and larger feathers. She looked like a cross between a half bird and an angel, growing wings. She touched the nubs that were now sprouting what seemed like bones almost, and were as soft as a baby duckling.

"And I will show you something different." She whispered to her reflection, "Something different."

*

Downstairs her mother was annoyed.

"All she does is sleep, she won't eat, and she won't go to school! She won't graduate at this point, this is rediculous..Douglas ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?"

Sasha-s father, Douglas, jumped in his chair. He hadn't been listening of course, but had been reading his favorite part of the newspaper, the want ads.

"What? Yes well, She's not feeling well." He grumbled.

Sasha's mother stomped upstairs and banged on the door to Sasha's bedroom.

"If you aren't better by tomorrow and in school then I am taking you to the damn doctor! Do you hear me?" Sasha's mother was red in the face and she sighed, "To make sure you are allright, of course." She added, having a one of her jeckyll and hyde moments.

Sasha slumped onto the floor. If she went to the doctor everyone would know and she would be locked away, or something worse. She felt her face splattered with tears. She would have to go to school tomorrow.

When she heard her mother leave for her daily visit to the farmer's market, Sasha crept out wrapped in a furry blue robe and raided her parent's medicine cabinet. She found a bottle of muscle relaxers, and decided that would do the trick. Then she went through her father's closet and found a very heavy black overcoat and walked slowly downstairs.

"Daddy?" She said, her voice sounded unusually fragile, and Douglas looked up at his daughter who was standing on the top of the stairs holding his coat.

"Mmm?" He asked, she looked stranger than usual, paler, almost glowing, like a frightened star.

Sasha trembled and swallowed her fear.

"Can I wear your coat to school tomorrow?" She raised one fraile hand and waved the heavy black coat.

"Sure, darling." He said and averted his eyes from her and back to the want ads.

"Hmph, someone's selling baby alligators! How silly!" He remarked.

Sasha smiled softly, whispered a thank you, and ran into her bedroom, wishing she had a lock.

"I will show you fear in a handful of dust." Sasha said to aliwishus. The cat meowed softly, almost a whimper, and wriggled his pinkish nose.

The birdwoman was peering out of a side flap in the circus tent. It was hours before the show, but her makeup was already done, her long bird legs ached but she liked to peer out before the show, at the outside world she seldom saw now. She was watching the crew bring things in when she saw a small car pull up in the parking lot. She stared curiously, and could just make out a skinny woman-girl hunched over the steering wheel. The birdwoman felt an urge to go and comfort her, and she had no idea why. She usually despised normal people, but there was something about this one.

"What are you watching, Izzy?" A man with dark hair covering his eyes asked. His shirt was off and he had just taken a hot shower, his skin was gleaming.

"That girl in the car." Izzy replied, "She seems different from them."

"Them," He replied, and rested his hand gently on her shoulder.

"Oh you know what I mean, Forrest, you aren't like them." She ruffled her feathers slightly and half-smiled.

"Yes, but I'm not like you, strangely beautiful. I only got this job because I can almost walk on the air."

He peered out at the girl in the car, she was looking farther up where the crew were bringing things in. She does have something about her, He thought to herself. Almost as if the circus was tugging on her bones.

"Magical feet," She smiled up at him.

"Just feet." And he wiggled his bare toes.

Sasha had long legs and was clumsy on her feet, this always upset her mother because she felt a woman should be elegant and graceful, which
Sasha was not. This particular morning she had tripped down some stairs and smacked into a wall. Rubbing her head, she laid back for a moment on the floor, something she had loved to do as a young thing. She winced suddenly, it now hurt her to lay flat against her shoulder blades. She sat upright and reached under her shirt. The bumps seemed to be getting worse, it was as if something was trying to get out. The more she prodded, she realized there was something protuding out of her right shoulder blade bump, she tugged on it and let out a tiny elp. She brought it to her face, it was a very tiny feather.

She didn't feel human, she thought of the bird woman. Her eyes felt wet, but she willed herself not to cry.

Her mother had made her breakfast, oatmeal and scrambled eggs, toast with marmalade. Normally she would inhale it and drink all her coffee,
and then set out to apply for jobs. It was a saturday, the sun was out, and there was morning dew on the plants. Empty bellied, Sasha pretended to go job hunting and instead drove to where the circus was still set up.

She sat in the parking lot and starred at the tent. She watched as some crew members carried trunks inside of it, and she thought about running in, hiding, trying to talk to the bird woman, she had the feather in her hand, she felt strange, sick, like she could just die right there. Her head throbbed. She opened the car door, and saw the ringmaster walking into the tent, with his large hat and scary unibrow.

She slammed her car door and drove home.

She claimed she was ill and climbed into bed, turned on Tori Amos and placed a hot washcloth over her eyes.

"Don't cry, don't cry. Don't cry."

Aliwishus was hiding under the bed. Just as well, thought Sasha, on the edge of the dream world.